I told myself I’d take a break from my daily nightly posts on Instagram so I could focus on business development, but my thoughts keep coming back to healing.
It’s half an hour past midnight, and I feel wide awake. It’s a bit chilly in my room because I don’t think the heater is on, but I’m wearing the most comfortable fleece pajama pants and a giant sweatshirt. It feels like the type of bliss after you’ve taken a warm shower on a slightly cold day because that’s exactly what just happened. And I feel like my whole being is happy right now.
These past few days have really been something. There’s a renewed energy that fills my spirit throughout the day. I feel alive and awake, and this energy feels a little unreal because I don’t know where it’s coming from. But I’ve learned a long time ago to welcome the guests of my mental house instead of asking them too many questions.
My posts about healing have been feeling a bit routine lately, which is also why this break feels needed. The purpose of my photo project is not to think about healing every night. The point is to experience healing by cultivating an awareness of it and creating a space where it can be invited. I guess the project is working because it’s all I’ve thought about while in the shower.
Here’s the musing part: Healing is, in its essence, based on the idea that what was injured will return to its original state –like healing from the flu or a cut on your skin. If the cut is deep, it may leave a scar, but usually, full healing means back to normal. So, what does that mean when it comes to healing of the spirit?
I sometimes I want to curse my naivete for letting me get hurt in the first place. And I grieve the way my pain changes me –the way my armor grows thicker and how unfair the necessity of it all seems. But, I’m realizing that maybe this why my healing journey feels difficult. My beliefs about the necessity of changing in response to pain are, in essence, getting in the way of healing. What if instead of worrying about how I could’ve been naive or manipulated by someone, and feeling angry and resentful in response, what if I focused on forgiveness?
The world doesn’t have to be turned upside down just because an event in our lives doesn’t make any sense. People will disappoint us and betray us and take advantage of us, but if we let that be a reason we stop believing in the goodness of people then we’ve caused ourselves more suffering than anyone else ever could have.
I’m ready to let go of the need to be right. This manifests for me as expecting to have known better than to make a mistake or misjudge a situation and believing that my view of the world must have been faulty for the disappointment to have even occurred. But I’m ready to let go of that.
Difficult as it otherwise may be, perhaps the greatest joy of this healing journey is getting to see myself with more clarity. I’m ready for more of that. And for more intentional living that makes space for peace and living life with eyes wide open.
P.S. It’s closer to sunrise now that I’m hitting publish. My sister came into my room and we’ve been talking for the past two hours. I’m actually sleepy now, but I wouldn’t trade those moments in conversation with her for anything that may come my way tomorrow. I’m sending you all my love and blessings. Good night :).