Reflections on Spirituality: How I learned To Follow My Peace

I ‘m writing to you in the middle of the night –the way you’ve grown accustomed to if you’ve seen the time stamps on the #100DaysOnSpirituality posts and the poems I share on my Insta Story. I’m writing to you now and it’s Ramadan and a little over a month has passed since I finished the 100-day spirituality reflections.

The #100DaysOnSpirituality project was something I started to capture the soul of my retreat to southern Spain in the fall of 2017. I took that trip at what felt like a period of crossroads in my life. After opening my heart to the adventures of love and committing myself to the life coaching journey, I found myself faced with many choices to make. There were many “moments of truth” as they say –experiences meant to clarify to me what values I held closest.  As I stumbled a bit at first, I watched my peace escape me. My prayers would pain me, and I had this growing fear that this would be the beginning of my heart’s hardening if I didn’t listen to it. Knowing that faith, like trust, is something that takes years to build but could be destroyed in a moment, I fought hard to find my clarity. I made new choices that were soul-fulfilling and honest, and I left the rest to the Divine. Then, I escaped everything for a week and went to Spain.

I’m not exaggerating when I say that Spain forever changed me. I met so many beautiful people on that trip. Strangers who quickly became close friends and whom I consider family today. I saw the surreal blend of the ancient with the modern, the religious and the secular, and it felt like I was being transported back in history. Transcendental experiences have the power to transform us, and the joy and wonder I felt in Spain that fall were nothing short of transformational.

On trips, I find that it helps to forget my phone. I don’t tell many people that I’m traveling so that my expectations and experiences aren’t shaped by their own. And, despite the 100 photos I managed to post, I didn’t carry my camera with me for a good portion of the time. I love taking photos on my camera, so this wasn’t an easy practice, but it’s something I learned from my Hawaii trip. When I was back from Hawaii, I felt like I had spent a lot of time looking for good photos and that really took away from my ability to fully be present there. So this time, on our second day in Spain, in Cordoba, I took one of my companions’ suggestion to try to capture what I was feeling instead of seeing.
I carried my journal with me as we entered the Mosque-Cathedral of Córdoba and I had my sight turned inward. Amongst the remnants of the Andalusian empire, I found myself surrounded by the city that looked a lot like me. To be a Middle Eastern Muslim in America is to be exotified, often, celebrated, sometimes, and unwelcome by many people for the remainder of the time. Maybe one day I’ll write a poetry collection dedicated to that experience of feeling mirrored by the land and serenaded by the architecture of southern Spain –but I digress.

The months after Spain, the remainder of 2017, were a series of adjustments to all the insights I had on the trip. I made little and big choices to try to protect this renewed peace that I’d found. I followed that peace and listened to it closely, and I pivoted sometimes and stumbled other times. In my new spiritual uplift, I found myself faced with novel challenges. But because they looked nothing like the challenges I had experienced before, I wasn’t prepared for them. Within a couple of months, I found myself struggling spiritually and emotionally and physically.

The winter was especially difficult. My time and energy were pulled in many different directions. For almost 60 hours a week, I was working as a project manager in a high-stress environment –juggling multiple demanding clients and doing work that didn’t align with my own mission. After work, I was coaching and getting coached, completing workbooks and reading books and dreaming up the possibilities for the future. I was also coordinating and marketing and recruiting for the first Muslim cohort of the Art for Social Impact program by The Sanctuaries. I think I wouldn’t have survived those days if I weren’t building for the wellness of communities that matter to me alongside some amazing people, be it through my work with Muslim artists at The Sanctuaries or as a life coach. Ever so often, I’d be reminded that even on the coldest days the sun would find its way back to my skin and I’d go to bed each night in warm socks and worn out worries –ready to start it all over again in the morning.
It became clear to me by the end of the year that my life needed to be in better alignment with my values and purpose. At the beginning of the new year, after lots of journaling and conversations, I shared with my supervisors at work my plan to resign at the end of the month. I started the Whole 30 cleanse and, through many other choices, felt like it was the beginning of a beautiful year –one that would only continue to be so if I lived with purpose. The #100DaysOnSpirituality project was one of those choices I made in the early days of January to be more intentional about cultivating my spirituality.

For 100 days, I ended almost every night writing the spiritual musings that had circled through my mind throughout the day. Some days, I felt serenity in my prayers and I found God every corner I turned. Other days, I felt my prayers more empty and my thoughts more self-concerned. Those days, I learned to surrender to the fluctuations of this thing we call the heart. I asked questions those days and when I didn’t find answers I asked again. I listened closely to the peace of my heart, and it was always there that I found the answers.
It’s in the middle of the night and it’s Ramadan and it’s 100 days on spirituality later, but I still struggle spiritually. Some nights I don’t have the energy to do any of the extra prayers so I only pray the five prayers. Some days I feel exhausted by having to keep looking inward at a time when so many around me seems to have their eyes looking miles ahead. I wonder, sometimes, of how we live at a time when religion has become an endangered species, and any spirituality tied to religion is often looked down upon. Will I find the strength if the ones I love slowly drift away from faith and I’m left feeling without companions on my journey?
These days have their own challenges, but I’m learning to find solace in unusual places and still finding that the only way to God is to continue to follow the peace of my heart.

Fluctuation is the trademark of the heart, after all, and there’s beauty in surrendering to that.

With love and light,

Reflections on Summer: How I Learned To Fall in Love with the Seasons

A hundred days ago, I was falling in love with summer. And what they say is true: love really does give you wings. This summer was one of discovery and growth, and it fills with me with gratitude to realize I stumbled upon a most beautiful secret this summer when I started my #100DaysOfSummer project.

Every day for nearly 100 days (because let’s be honest, I missed some days and had to catch up later), I picked a photo from my Oahu album and captioned it with a reflection. The experience was everything that I hoped it would be: an exercise in gratitude, a meditation on the essence of summer, a ritual for creativity, and a reminder that I could depend on myself to be consistent.

Confession: one of my biggest fears is that I am not consistent enough. Time after time, I’ve started projects, poems, books, and novels that I left behind to move on to something else that pulled me. So, in the midst of all the inner work I’d been doing both through my coach training program and outside of it, the consistency monster appeared. I had ideas and dreams and ambitions that I so badly wanted to dive into, but I found myself paralyzed by the fear of that seemingly inevitable failure that I wouldn’t be able to keep at it (which can be extra scary in the age of social media and now that I was training to be a coach –stay tuned for more fun posts about the wild journey of training to be a life coach). So, to address this fear of mine and challenge this belief I had about myself, I committed to a 100-day creative project that most of you know through the #100DaysOfSummer posts on Instagram.

Actions taken in self-growth have a ripple effect, and how you do one thing is how you do everything. For me, building my consistency-confidence also meant that it was easier for me to start building some other habits that would make me healthier, happier, and more productive: journaling every night, exercising every morning, flossing every day (I’ll admit, this was previously an on-and-off habit), reading before bed, etc.

More importantly, the vow to reflect on summer for a hundred days was a new beginning for me. First, there was sharing the blog after years of self-doubt, and then came more ripples: more travel in the U.S., moving to my new apartment, opening my heart to the adventures of love, daring to dream about a future filled with purpose. There’s so much that I learned about myself this summer, but the greatest lesson of all was learning to fall in love with the seasons.

There is so much beauty within us and around us and in the great unknowns. Every season, the earth reveals to us certain truths. Summer holds truths of the youth and the lovers and the innocent children on playgrounds reveling in the delight of being out of school. To meditate on that beauty was to be reminded of what spirituality means to me, and that remembrance carried me into fall with grace and passion for more growth.

For those who sent their encouragement and appreciation, thank you for your generosity. I can’t wait to continue sharing my journey with you, and I look forward to hearing from you along the way.


With love and light,

Introducing: a sunshine state of mind project #100DaysOfSummer

A Hanauma Bay Point of View

Summer is my favorite state of mind. It’s a strawberry sweet season of sun-soaked fun that we know will be over in the blink of an eye. It’s a season we wait for every year and one we don’t take for granted. The best of summers are not just filled with pink lemonades, late night adventures, and ocean views; a true summer warms your soul with new memories, deeper connections, and a sense of gratitude.

Follow @fillawesophie on Instagram for a daily dose of The Sunshine State of Mind Project.